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  • Kristen Fewel

Meditation Struggles

Struggling Morning Meditation

5am. The house is dark. I light a candle and

find my seat.

My ankles itch.

I’m cold.

I get a blanket and wrap up inside it.

I pull it like a cloak around me and over my head.

I cannot disappear from myself.

I watch my thoughts wander around.

I point one out, See! A thought!

What's it doing?

I make it sit down and be quiet.

Then comes another. Then another.

Mental space gets thinner and opens up

like a predawn sky

I see light.

The light has no inner dialogue

and no judgment. It is quiet.

The light changes, but is present for an eternity

or half a minute, but it was there.

That is what matters:

Forty-five minutes in the dark

to see the light.

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